We were poor. We were so poor in my neighborhood the rainbow was in black-and-white.
I think my wife is cheating on me, the only thing the parrot knows how to say is: “Quick! Out the window!”
The shape I’m in, I could donate my body to science fiction.
We learned sexual technique from our dog. He taught me how to beg, and he taught my wife how to roll over and play dead.
With my doctor, I don’t get no respect. I told him I want a vasectomy. He said with a face like mine, I don’t need one.
A girl phoned me the other day and said… ‘Come on over, there’s nobody home.’ I went over. Nobody was home.
My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.
We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations – we’re doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.
I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.
I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.
My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.
I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.
I asked my old man if I could go ice skating on the lake. He told me, “Wait ’til it gets warmer.”
I was so poor growing up – if I wasn’t a boy – I’d have had nothing to play with.
When my old man wanted sex, my mother would show him a picture of me.
One day as I came home early from work, I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy, “Hey buddy…why are you doing that for?” He said, “Because you came home early.”